Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Snow Football

Sammy B really dragged down his team, while Twin #1 and Drew Books (Sammy's sort-of-cousin) led the team to victory over an athletic and talented team consisting of Twin #2, Secret Aznman, and Fetus. Fetus especially gave the team needed speed and leaping ability, but three straight turnovers to start the 2nd half doomed this dream team. Running plays and short passes (in other words, boring football) also helped the Lord WarHoos claim victory in this matchup, and a drop by the usually sure-handed Aznman (who was missing his receiver gloves, presumably having given them to the needy Curt Staples) in the end zone with a chance to gain momentum did not help either.

In the 1st half, Aznman laid the hit of the game on Sammy B when he headbutted him to the ground, and Sammy writhed on the ground in pain for minutes while complaining about unfair play and a bad bracket as usual. Another notable play was Twin #1's somewhat impressive catch for a score after a fake screen pass left his man trailing and the safety late to get over to the corner of the end zone.

The 2nd half opened with a fumble by Twin #2, as Sammy B made his single positive contribution when he stripped the ball away as he fought for extra yards. The following 2 possessions for the Patriots ended in interceptions, as Twin #1 leapt high to take a touchdown away from Aznman and then the ball slipped out of the quarterback Fetus's hand and floated right to Sammy B, who had knocked his own teammate out of the way to come up with the pick. All three turnovers led to scores, and the Patriots quickly found themselves in a deep hole.

Even though the Lord WarHoos won the game, the play of the game and all the glory belongs to the Patriots, who executed an amazing final play on 4th and goal from the Santa Claus. Twin #2 faked a handoff to the blocking fullback, Aznman, and proceeded to pitch the ball to the speedy halfback Fetus who took off down the right side of the field behind Twin #2's pancake block of Twin #1. Then the MVP of the game for the WarHoos', Books, who had earlier made a spectacular one-handed catch with Fetus draped all over him, wrapped up the ballcarrier and seemingly ended the game.

Unfortunately, Sammy B came in to "assist" with the tackle and attempted to steal the glory (Twin #1 was still pancaked in the snow at the time), but simply managed somehow to give Fetus enough room to pitch the ball back to Twin #2, who luckily for the Patriots, had smartly run behind the ball and called for the Boise State-esque lateral. Fetus executed a perfect pitch even while being grabbed by the two defenders, and Twin #2 bobbled it slightly before sprinting up the left sideline toward the bucket.

With just open space between him and the goal line, it seemed that the final play would end in a score. However, out of nowhere came the other, less-talented twin, who had not tried all game and therefore had plenty of energy saved up. He cut off the corner of the end zone, so Twin #2 cut back towards the middle. As lazy and less-talented twin went low for the tackle, the older and smarter twin hurdled over the tackle and fell into the end zone with the ball outstretched for an amazingly impressive score.

After the game, all three members of the Patriots were voted into the franchise hall of fame by themselves. Sammy B was subsequently cut from his team and is now looking for work.

Game Notes:
Attendance- 1 (dog).
Injuries- Sammy B (headbutted by Aznman, bowled over by Fetus).


  1. so, just from an outside reader, it seems like you were awfully harsh on Browning's performance when you consider he had a forced fumble, an interception, and countless touchdown passes. it just seems to me that he would probably be considered the mvp by every other participant but you, twin #2. i now know why you are #2 and not #1. it must be due to you lack of professionalism. as for Browning's unemployment, i'm sure he will be picked up quickly in free agency this offseason. he is truly an athlete you can build a franchise around.

  2. so, just from an outside reader, it seems like Sam Browning is a bitch.

  3. this may be the best blog post of all time, second only to the heart wrenching story of twin 1 crying when twin 2 pricked his finger

  4. missed it by that much...

  5. What a biased report! Twin #2 better not try to get a job as a sportswriter because this anonymous commenter will make sure that employer has a copy of this rubbish on his desk! ... That being said, can we see an update on Sammy B? Did he get picked up? Did he win a Super Bowl? Probably, right?


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